Tough Times

Several days ago, my husband got word that he may be laid off soon. This is no shock for us. He has been a union pipefitter for years now and lay offs are part of the deal.  Feast or Famine, as the saying goes. We knew this going in, and still signed on for it. 

So when we got the news the other day, I immediately went into hunker down mode: Stop all unnecessary spending, Clip extra coupons, Try not to PANIC.  I started saying a prayer that his job would be spared. And then I had to stop.

It felt wrong to pray for us.  We have healthy, wonderful children. We have one another.  I had recently seen the “tent cities” on the news. These are people, who have lost their homes and have no where else to go.  They are living in tents. These are the people I need to pray for.  For the people who are homeless, hungry, sick. 

And through the nature of my job, I am in constant contact with low income families. So I am reminded regularly just how blessed we really are. I pray these tough times pass soon, for everyone.

So grown up…

Last week L turned 5.  And although I wanted to cry at the thought, she was elated! Her excitement was contagious and I was thrilled for her.  She woke up and immediately asked if she had grown overnight and  how big was she now that she was 5.  She expected to be able to reach things she previously could not- previously as in the day before. 

She really had a birthday weekend celebration. On Friday she had her school party and we went to Shogun(her all time fave restaurant). Its a habachi place and they make a big deal out of birthdays.  She loves the food too.  Kaylin was still sick but did enjoy the “show”. 

On Saturday she had her birthday party with her friends. Originally we were going to have the party here at home…we decided to save money and figured we didn’t need to go all out on an expensive party to have fun. But after weeks of someone being sick here, I was burnt out…I knew I couldn’t pull off a fun party in a de-germed home. So last minute, we moved it to where Leah takes her gymnastics class. She had a BLAST. I really think everyone did!   Well, K was still sick and was having an allergic reaction to the antibiotic she was taking for strep throat. (Note- this was her second antibiotic as she also had an allergic reaction to the first one! She is now on her THIRD).

To finish off the weekend of Leah, my family came over for a breakfast feast. My mom made omelets for everyone, we had bacon, pork roll, pancakes, bagels, and hash browns. We really had a great time. Leah loved it.

Thanks to everyone for helping to make Leah’s 5th birthday soo special!

Here are some pics from her party…

Melted

I will readily admit that this story I am about to tell most likely will be mundane and dull to the vast majority of you. That being said- I couldn’t wait to share it!

K has been sick, really sick. She has been attached to me for days, very attached. Last night I was elated when she got off my lap. I was surprised but enjoyed having my lap free for the moment. She got down, walked over to L who was sitting on the loveseat, put her arms up to her. L picked her up and pulled her onto her lap, where she sat. L looked over to me and said- Mommy are you seeing this?!? She was soo excited that her sister wanted to snuggle with her. It was all K’s idea and that really made L happy.

Now I am not sure I can explain just how heart warming this moment was.  Honestly, I think you moms out there will know exactly how I feel.  I do know how amazing it feels when a little one holds their arms up to you to lift them up in those early days, when they just start doing that. So I can imagine how L must have felt when K raised her arms to her. And I just love that K, feeling all sick and miserable, wanted her sister to help her feel better. 

Call it sleep deprivation, call it mental exhaustion from dealing with 3 weeks in a row  of sick kids, call it whatever you like…but, this was one of my favorite mom moments so far.

You know that saying…

“You always want what you can’t have.”

Well, that’s me these days.

Dan and I had always said we planned on having 2 kids. And by all accounts, that is a great plan for us. Finances, time, work schedules all dictate that we are a 2 kiddo household.  We have 3 bedrooms, we don’t have room for more carseats, I medically can’t have anymore babies, etc etc. All arrows point to the reality- no more babies for us.

Then why am I having such a hard time giving in to this?  I want more babies. Not just one more- but I would love 2 more!!  I want to have that newborn “babymooning” phase again, sing, cuddle and rock a brand new little one.  I want to see that first smile again…the amazing toothless grins. I want to hear first babbles, see first attempts at getting mobil…the list goes on and on. 

I had heard of other women who were upset when they wanted more babies but couldn’t. I remember thinking that they were so lucky to have one or 2- when so many women out there couldn’t…so be grateful for what you have….and yet, here I am.  Sad, thinking of the little baby boy I will not meet, the son I will not see grow into a man.  I have 2 perfect little girls who are the reason I am here. How could I think I deserve more?  I feel selfish knowing how truly blessed I am while others do not have half of what I have.

 But I still want more.  As K grows older and leaves babyhood for toddlerhood and as we plan L’s 5th birthday with her, I think of all the finality in it. The last time for all these moments.  These wonderful, often crazy, funny, loud, moments…the ones that make me smile sitting here thinking of them.  Tonight the 2 of them were holding hands, dancing to Alvin and the Chipmunks, and cracking up. Dan and I were watching, laughing with them…then I started to cry.  Watching them grow, their bonds of sisterhood grow too, its all so bittersweet.

 I know just how amazing this whole motherhood thing is. And since I can’t keep reliving these moments while they are young over and over like I would like- I will remind myself to slow down now, while they are young. Enjoy each phase and each new accomplishment. I will take more pictures, more videos.  I won’t take a day for granted- even those hectic ones! And I will spoil all my friends’ and familys’ babies as they have them!!

Well, THAT was Interesting…

Today was quite the day.  It started out okay, much earlier than usual, but okay. L was up at 7am…early but doable. K woke up her usual smiley self.  It was snowing- which brought GREAT excitement to the little ones. K kept pointing to the windows and yelling “NOO NOOOO”(her version of “snow”, since she hasn’t mastered the ‘S’ sound at times). L made big plans to build a snowman. For those of you who live round here…there is no where near enough snow to do such a thing.

So for the most part, this morning was just fine. Then….well, I am not sure what happened. But all I know is I was smack in the middle of my very own Calgon commercial. I even sent a text to Dan- “Day has gone bad…send wine”. The babe was a major “cling on”, which I am not used to. She is usually a very independant little one. But tonight, I could NOT put her down or she would SCREAM! She would NOT goto Daddy. She wanted to be held and by Mommy only. She only gets like this when she is sick-so, now I am sitting here with fingers and toes crossed that she is NOT coming down with anything.  She took a late evening nap and seemed better…but the damage was done. I got behind on my to do list! And making dinner with her being attached to my hip was less than ideal.  But we made it through.  I had left my baby carrier in the car and with the FREEZING temps, I decided it would stay in the car.

As K seemed to be coming out of her mood, L got over tired(bear in mind she was up at 7 when she normally sleeps till 9 on my days off). So the whining began…and got louder….and didn’t stop.   I wanted to find my old ear plugs. Thankfully Dan took my text seriously and had stopped for a bottle of wine on his way home from work.  I had 4 glasses before we even had the girls in bed.

Our normally(relatively) peaceful bed time was even off…L wanted to kiss K, K had no intentions on kissing anyone. L’s nose was stuffy from whining and the subsequent crying that ensued. K was NOT thrilled wth her sisters loud blowing of her nose.  But within minutes of “lights out”, all was finally quiet. And here I sit, no one hanging on me, whining to me, asking me to do something to or for them. Dan has gone to bed.  Its just me and the news of the day that I am finally getting the chance to catch up on.   All is quiet…for now….

The 2009 Mary

The 2008 Mary was a very lazy model. “To Do” lists were written often but rarely done.  And there was little motivation to do much outside of sitting on the couch.  2008 Mary needed an attitude adjustment and finally has one. 

Introducing 2009 Mary. I am now the improved model. Now I know what you are thinking…sure, a bunch of new year’s resolutions to give up on within a month’s time.  But I am committed to this 2009 model.  This year I will get my to do list written and completed. I will make sure my kids eat healthier.  I will make sure to connect with my husband every day- even when life and work and kids and house and etc, get in the way.  The 2009 Mary is not out to be Super Mom, wife, or Family Counselor, etc. But gone are the days where my mind is cluttered with all the things I SHOULD get done- whether it be baking cookies with the 4 year old or planning her 5th birthday party. Or thinking about all the junk in the pantry instead of throwing it out. Or the many “Thank you’s” I didn’t send…but will. This year, things will get done.

So here it is, in black and white. For readers to read. Not that anyone is actually holding me accountable to these promises other than myself- and 2 loud kids. But I feel better knowing that since I have written my goals, it is almost like a signed contract.

So wish me luck.

Christmas 2008.

Finally adding the Christmas pics. We had a great time…probably the best Christmas I can remember.  Leah is at such a great age for it. And K just loved the whole season with its lights and decorations.

And New Year’s Eve was also amazing. We, as usual, went to our friends house to ring in the new year. The girls were feeling the excitement of the evening and managed to stay awake and content for midnight!  It was a very sweet and wonderful moment to kiss and hug my husband and my girls at that moment.  Then shortly after we hopped into the car to head home and the girls were asleeep before we made it off our friends’ street.

 

 

 

Kaylin on Christmas Eve ready to goto the Annual festivities.

Leah- all dressed up too!

 

K on her fave toy… she was content to sit on that for most of the day.

Leah with one of her fave gifts…a Hannah Montana guitar! She is wearing a princess dress over her jammies as well. Plus some new colorful hair accessories! She totally rocked that outfit!

Sad

My coworker and friend, Karen, lost her mom last week to a lung condition. She was only 60 years old.

A wake was held on Friday evening at the family’s church.  Reluctantly, I went.  When I saw Karen, I immediately knew I made the right decision. She was so grateful. Our friend Colleen was with me. 2 other coworkers made it as well.  I had been worried some family and friends wouldn’t be able to make the trip there due to the bad weather we had earlier in the day, leaving some roads covered in ice and snow. But the church was filled with loved ones.

Karen sang Amazing Grace to begin the service.  She announced “This is for you, Mom”. She squeezed her eyes closed tight and belted it out with such emotion. I sat there in awe. Family and friends joined in, singing and crying. As the final verse was sung, Karen rose her arms up high in the air, still singing as she cried. “I love you, Mom and will miss you, always”. 

Her 3 sisters spoke of the daily talks they had with their mother and how they will miss them. Then Karen’s grandmother rose. She walked to the casket and leaned over to hug her daughter. She is 83.  I sat there thinking how sad this was- not soley that my friend was saying goodbye to her mother.  But, I felt so sad for this 83 year old grandmom, burying her daughter. I didn’t let my mind wander any further on that thought.

But I did think about my own parents, frought with their many health problems.  And the fear of one day standing up, as Karen was doing in that moment staring at her mother in a casket, overwhelmed me. I know that is the order of things, children grow up and one day say goodbye to their parents and lay them to rest. I noticed that Karen could not go far from her mother’s body. She mentioned she could not leave her. I wondered how I will be when my parents are lying there. I have never been up to an open casket, choosing to stay back as others went to pay their respects. How will I fare when its my own mother and father?

Admittedly, I have been very blessed to have not lost many people in my life. And I am so fearful of the days when that changes. I don’t know the point of writing all this. Maybe its to remind myself that I need to be grateful for my life, remind myself to not take time or loved ones for granted.

Picking my foot up…

OK- first, I realize that I have had quite the hiatus here! Sorry-I have no good excuses.  But things haven’t been all that exciting around here other than the obvious “countdown to Christmas” events. We had another O’Connell Family Playhouse showing(will post pics  later).  Kaylin got a cold, Kaylin still has a cold. Leah somehow grew even taller! And Dan wants a new truck.

But the main thing on my mind these days is, well, me.  I had been a grumpy mom. An impatient, non understanding mom. Last week I heard the tone I was using with Leah. And I cringed. How did I get there?  How did I forget what her 4 year old needs are and turn them into my annoyances?  When did I forget to enjoy her? See this is my problem, not her’s. So that is why its about me. And the reality is, when I am “off”, it becomes about her too. And that is not right.

Due to my impatience and wanting the quick fix for a nonstoptalking, demanding, overly jeolous at times, highly picky child, I decided to put my foot down. It was my way or the highway. And can you guess where that got me? Yep- my little one turned into a tyrant. I grew horns. Yikes. No one was happy.

Then I had my epiphany. I had been up the majority of the night with a sick and crying baby. I knew when Leah woke, that she would be wanting something. How dare she want breakfast when I am tired?? How dare she want to greet her day with a hug and a smile from her mother? I know my patience level is at its lowest when I am (even more) sleep deprived. I started to feel panicked.  And of course, the baby was waking and STILL not feeling well so she was crying.

I know I am the adult, I am the one expected to have self control. So  I took deep breaths and decided to be the mom I know I can be. The one who remembered how to play, laugh, and go with the flow. The one who had been missing for a while. And all day I repeated my mantra. Somehow it worked.  I picked my foot up. 

Leah has also changed. Not because she suddenly forgot how to whine. But because my hiatus from being patient and fun were over too. I am sure we will have our bad days. No one goes with out them. And I am far from perfect- I still have and always will have things to learn and improve on, just like everyone else. But we have rounded a corner, and found myself on the other side.

Favorite

Last week was my birthday.  And although it was rather mundane in some ways, it was, in one most important way, my favorite. 

When Leah woke up she asked her daily wake up question of- where are we going today? I told her first she was off to Preschool but later that evening we were going to the Halloween Parade. She was thrilled! And when I mentioned it was also my birthday- she immediately wished me a happy birthday and wanted to go decorate for my party- the one we weren’t having. She was rather disappointed so I suggested she draw me a Happy Birthday poster. Satisfied,  she got her crayons and paper and went to work on it. When she was done, she proudly showed me her finished product.  It was lovely- and she titled it- I LOVE PARADES. She had drawn all sorts of things you will see in a parade. So much for my happy birthday poster!

But when I got home from work, she had a wonderful home made gift for me. It was a fan. She had made it at my MIL’s while I was a work. It had ribbons and Leah’s one of a kind drawings. She proudly announced it was a fan for me to take to work- “For when you get sweaty”. Bear in mind,  I have a desk job!

We did have a very yummy birthday cake! Recently we learned that Kaylin is NOT allergic to milk. So I have been consuming LARGE quanities of dairy.  Dan got a very delicious Ice cream cake.

Then we hit the parade. It was, as usual, a lot of fun. Standing on the side of the road, watching the floats and scary ghoulish faces with my family, I  thought- Life is Good.  Who could ask for  better birthday than that?